Return of the Returns

In order to determine which of the 1500 tax forms we have available for use, please answer the following questions.

1)a) Are you human? If the answer is yes, please go to question 2.
b) Please list your kingdom, phylla, class, order, family, genus and species. Then go to table SP1 to find which form you must use. If you are a blind organism, please refer to our braille tables.

2) Are you a) American - if so, give yourself a pat on the back and pick form EZ - 'cause we know how hard it is for you to fill these things in.
b) Not American - if so, you should REALLY consider filling in the mountain of paperwork it takes to become a citizen cause, you know....well, you just should, ok. Anyway, you have to pick another form - one that's gonna be confusing as all hell, cause it's in American.

3) If not American are you a) European, b) Asian c) Australasiasiasi....obsessed with barbeques d) Mexican (please enclose a bottle of tequilla with your form as proof), e) English but liable to be mistaken for all of the above and more? This won't affect your form, we just want to know where you're from so we can decide how closely we're going to check your taxes.

Once you have found your form, please fill it in as accurately as possible.

1) Please write your annual income. If this is above $96,000, please enclose at least 1% for 'administrative costs'. If this is above $150,000, add an extra 1% for 'charitable purposes' If this is below $20,000, you should get another job and see us again next year.

2) Please write the number of dependents you have. This means children or the elderly. This does not mean cats, dogs, fish, orangutans, fleas that you may have for lack of washing or tapeworm - unless it's above 5m long, then we can call it a 1/2.

3) Multiply the number of dependents you have by the number of days till your next birthday and subtract the meaning of life, the universe and everything. Divide by your total number of digits and limbs, and then multiply by $5,500 to get your total tax free allowance. If this is above $5,500, subtract the appropriate amount to get it to $5,500 and write the difference in the 'charitable gift to Federal government' section. If this is less than $5,500, then great.

4) Subtract your allowance from your gross income and then add on the date that you're writing this out in simple form i.e. January first means add on $101, February first - $201 etc. multipled by the number of beers you can drink without falling over. If this is more than 12, please donate 15% of your income to Alcoholic anonymous and enlist immediately.

5)Calculate how much tax you should have given us from the Tax tables provided. Then calculate the difference between how much you owed and how much you gave. No matter what sign this comes out as, make sure that the government always takes less.

6) Send us your cheque. If we don't get it by April 1st, we'll send some guys round to break your kneecaps. If you're lucky. Otherwise, we'll just drop a laser-guided bomb on your house and release a statement that it was a stray missile from Iraq. Or something.

Disclaimer: The above is intended to be a humorous look at the filling in of tax returns over here in the US and absolutely does not represent the true process at all. In reality, it's much worse than you think!

Remember - Tax return deadline is April 15th!!!