Return of the Returns

In order to determine which of the 1500 tax forms we have available for use, please answer the following questions.

1)a) Are you human? If the answer is yes, please go to question 2.
b) Please list your kingdom, phylla, class, order, family, genus and species. Then go to table SP1 to find which form you must use. If you are a blind organism, please refer to our braille tables.

2) Are you a) American - if so, give yourself a pat on the back and pick form EZ - 'cause we know how hard it is for you to fill these things in.
b) Not American - if so, you should REALLY consider filling in the mountain of paperwork it takes to become a citizen cause, you know....well, you just should, ok. Anyway, you have to pick another form - one that's gonna be confusing as all hell, cause it's in American.

3) If not American are you a) European, b) Asian c) Australasiasiasi....obsessed with barbeques d) Mexican (please enclose a bottle of tequilla with your form as proof), e) English but liable to be mistaken for all of the above and more? This won't affect your form, we just want to know where you're from so we can decide how closely we're going to check your taxes.

Once you have found your form, please fill it in as accurately as possible.

1) Please write your annual income. If this is above $96,000, please enclose at least 1% for 'administrative costs'. If this is above $150,000, add an extra 1% for 'charitable purposes' If this is below $20,000, you should get another job and see us again next year.

2) Please write the number of dependents you have. This means children or the elderly. This does not mean cats, dogs, fish, orangutans, fleas that you may have for lack of washing or tapeworm - unless it's above 5m long, then we can call it a 1/2.

3) Multiply the number of dependents you have by the number of days till your next birthday and subtract the meaning of life, the universe and everything. Divide by your total number of digits and limbs, and then multiply by $5,500 to get your total tax free allowance. If this is above $5,500, subtract the appropriate amount to get it to $5,500 and write the difference in the 'charitable gift to Federal government' section. If this is less than $5,500, then great.

4) Subtract your allowance from your gross income and then add on the date that you're writing this out in simple form i.e. January first means add on $101, February first - $201 etc. multipled by the number of beers you can drink without falling over. If this is more than 12, please donate 15% of your income to Alcoholic anonymous and enlist immediately.

5)Calculate how much tax you should have given us from the Tax tables provided. Then calculate the difference between how much you owed and how much you gave. No matter what sign this comes out as, make sure that the government always takes less.

6) Send us your cheque. If we don't get it by April 1st, we'll send some guys round to break your kneecaps. If you're lucky. Otherwise, we'll just drop a laser-guided bomb on your house and release a statement that it was a stray missile from Iraq. Or something.

Disclaimer: The above is intended to be a humorous look at the filling in of tax returns over here in the US and absolutely does not represent the true process at all. In reality, it's much worse than you think!

Remember - Tax return deadline is April 15th!!!

Queue Jumping

It is probably something of a known fact worldwide that queuing is one of the British national past-times. No matter where you go, or what you do, the chances are that you're going to have to endure a queue at some point. And, of course, the usual round of bitching, complaining and gossip that goes on in such lines. In one of the 'Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy' books, a character is named Fenchurch. Why? I hear you ask. Because she was conceived in the ticket queue at Fenchurch Street Train Station. It's amazing what people will do to pass the time in these things. Anyway, it is perhaps also unsurprising that a general queue etiquette has formed at the same time - and this mainly focuses around the major point of queues in that 'everyone has to wait their turn' and there will be hell on if someone jumps in the queue ahead of you. Of course, everyone is tempted by this at some point or other - it's the law of the universe that if there are two queues, the moment you join one, then the other two will start going quicker. Move into one of those and the same thing happens again and again. I speak from knowledge believe me.

Well, over here things are much the same to a degree - at least in terms of the queuing (although there is CONSIDERABLY more bitching and complaining than in the UK. At least in my experiences here). The only difference is that a large number of people just don't seem to GET what a queue is for and will happily just wander in at any old point they want. This not only applies to pedestrian queues, but also traffic queues where anyone with a large truck will just shove his way in 'cause he's so damned sure that no-one is going to mess with him (unless, of course, its someone bigger. Or perhaps with a firearm in the cab). Take, for example, the other day when I was in the queue at a Subway (in the canteen) when a rather arrogant young doctor left the queue (after telling his friend he was getting something else for lunch instead) and then proceeded to spend about five minutes wandering around the place only to return and state his intention to rejoin the queue. His friend (bless her) noted how big the line had got in his absence and suggested they go to the back whereupon he said 'You were saving my place. And besides, i'm a doctor so i'm allowed to cut in line in the hospital canteen' Suffice to say he got a very withering look from me (just behind him) and then ended up going somewhere else anyway. I like to think it's cause of my expression, but i think he was just an impatient fool. Now all this may seem petty (and i guess it is to some degree) but I guess being British, the whole queuing thing is just part of my sociological make-up whether i like it or not.