Cash in Hand

Now that we're well underway in 2008, my thoughts had turned quite quickly to the annual chore that is filling in the tax returns. Of course, these days, it's considerably easier than it used to be with the advent of e-filing and such making it far quicker and convenient to get your taxes sorted, and frankly costs you less. If you earn less than $57000 a year net pay, then you're entitled to file federal taxes for free and you are usually charged a nominal fee (around $10) for filing the state tax returns (of course you have to file both for state and federal which, i imagine for some people means a hell of a lot more paperwork). Suffice to say, with the help of my previous year tax return as a guide, and all requisite information, it didn't take me long to sort out my returns and file them. And i got the cash in the bank account this week - one of those nice surprises when you go to check your balance and you have more than you anticipated. Quite frankly, i don't mind the effort taken to fill in the tax returns if you get money back in the end - it's certainly money that I didn't account for in my budget and i may use it for a holiday of sorts.

Now, this year promises to be even better for a lot of people across the US. With the US economy teetering on the brink, the government has put together an economic stimulus package whereby according to your tax returns filed, you will get some amount of money extra back as a rebate - i think about $600 is the set limit for the average worker and $300 for retirees living on the state. The aim, of course, is for the recipients to put the money back into the economy and hopefully give some stability. Suffice to say, with the bill being signed this week, i was quite happy to go clothes shopping today - and spend a fair few dollars on some nice shiny jeans, trainers and tops which (hallelujah) and less than half the price than what i would pay if i was back in the UK. Did i mention how much i like living over here sometimes???

Return of the Returns

In order to determine which of the 1500 tax forms we have available for use, please answer the following questions.

1)a) Are you human? If the answer is yes, please go to question 2.
b) Please list your kingdom, phylla, class, order, family, genus and species. Then go to table SP1 to find which form you must use. If you are a blind organism, please refer to our braille tables.

2) Are you a) American - if so, give yourself a pat on the back and pick form EZ - 'cause we know how hard it is for you to fill these things in.
b) Not American - if so, you should REALLY consider filling in the mountain of paperwork it takes to become a citizen cause, you know....well, you just should, ok. Anyway, you have to pick another form - one that's gonna be confusing as all hell, cause it's in American.

3) If not American are you a) European, b) Asian c) Australasiasiasi....obsessed with barbeques d) Mexican (please enclose a bottle of tequilla with your form as proof), e) English but liable to be mistaken for all of the above and more? This won't affect your form, we just want to know where you're from so we can decide how closely we're going to check your taxes.

Once you have found your form, please fill it in as accurately as possible.

1) Please write your annual income. If this is above $96,000, please enclose at least 1% for 'administrative costs'. If this is above $150,000, add an extra 1% for 'charitable purposes' If this is below $20,000, you should get another job and see us again next year.

2) Please write the number of dependents you have. This means children or the elderly. This does not mean cats, dogs, fish, orangutans, fleas that you may have for lack of washing or tapeworm - unless it's above 5m long, then we can call it a 1/2.

3) Multiply the number of dependents you have by the number of days till your next birthday and subtract the meaning of life, the universe and everything. Divide by your total number of digits and limbs, and then multiply by $5,500 to get your total tax free allowance. If this is above $5,500, subtract the appropriate amount to get it to $5,500 and write the difference in the 'charitable gift to Federal government' section. If this is less than $5,500, then great.

4) Subtract your allowance from your gross income and then add on the date that you're writing this out in simple form i.e. January first means add on $101, February first - $201 etc. multipled by the number of beers you can drink without falling over. If this is more than 12, please donate 15% of your income to Alcoholic anonymous and enlist immediately.

5)Calculate how much tax you should have given us from the Tax tables provided. Then calculate the difference between how much you owed and how much you gave. No matter what sign this comes out as, make sure that the government always takes less.

6) Send us your cheque. If we don't get it by April 1st, we'll send some guys round to break your kneecaps. If you're lucky. Otherwise, we'll just drop a laser-guided bomb on your house and release a statement that it was a stray missile from Iraq. Or something.

Disclaimer: The above is intended to be a humorous look at the filling in of tax returns over here in the US and absolutely does not represent the true process at all. In reality, it's much worse than you think!

Remember - Tax return deadline is April 15th!!!