American Gym Etiquette

What with me being back in the gym for nearly four months now, i've grown somewhat used to the general atmosphere and quirks of the American gym - or at least the American student gym, as i go to the MUSC student centre to exercise. Aside from the fact that it's facilities are pretty damn good, it's also pretty cheap for me ($300 a year - which works out at about 160 pounds in real money). Anyway, what follows is a bullet point list of how to get by in an American gym. What to do, what not to do and....er...well, a couple of other things as well. Don't use at your peril:

1. Wear an iPOD, personal CD player or personal radio and use it at five times the normal volume so that anyone and everyone can hear it no matter what they're doing. This is essential as it may drown out any excessive grunting you do whilst exercising.

2. On that note, grunting is an absolute no-no when lifting weights. However, yelling, cursing, shouting, screaming, praying, whistling the Star-Spangled banner, and any other such noise is fully acceptable and, indeed, HAS to be done. Particularly if you happen to be relatively short and skinny, and absolutely HAVE to show how hard you are working out.

3. Walk to and from the water fountain a lot. And preferably choose the machines furthest away from the fountain for your exercise. Not only does this give you extra cardio exercise as you stalk to and fro but also gives you ample time to pose and admire yourself in the mirrors around the gym. Cause, hey, who wants to do all that work if you can't admire the results.

4. Don't smile. NEVER smile. This is a gym and BY GOD, you're here to be serious about weights. If you want to smile as you work out, go to the nearest aerobic class and giggle at all the senior citizens trying to touch their toes without putting their new hips out of joint.

5. Along those lines, it is PERFECTLY acceptable for you to come to the gym, stand around and talk to your buddies (without smiling), chat on your cell phone at the top of your voice, organise your social life, book your holiday for next year and organise any other of the small miscellany that clutter your life. Then, after that effort, it's perfectly okay for you to do a couple of sets of one exercise and then leave. And please do complain loudly as to how you're exercising so hard but not showing anything for it.

6. When working out specific areas, please assume entire control over all the requisite machines for that body part in the gym. After all, if you're in the middle of your super-intense workout, it's just rude for someone else to use any of the possible machines that you may or may not want to use. Even if you're stood talking for five minutes in the middle of said workout, this doesn't mean that you're not going to use a machine at random just for the hell of it. Does it?

7. The directional signs for running around the track are PURELY suggestive and should no means be followed at all. On top of that, please feel free to walk three abreast and block the track as you organise your latest social events, or catch up on gossip and pay no heed at all to the irate runner who is trying to get past. If he's not thin enough yet to squeeze between the three of you then he's obviously not doing enough exercise. Also please do stop without warning and complain when someone behind runs into you.

So there you go, seven golden rules on how to get by in an American gym. I would've written more but i have to go and throw some weights around myself. Not to work out, you understand. Just to get rid of a few etiquette experts.