Q & A

Having been here for over a year, i now have something of an awareness of how much the average American knows about the UK. To whit, not a lot. Thus, i have decided to compile a handy set of answers to all those questions that the average Brit is going to be asked when they come here to visit. I suggest printing them out and laminating them, maybe getting them printed on a t-shirt - to prevent you having to repeat them again and again. Cause you're definitely not going to be asked just once.

1) Yes, I am English. My accent is NOT Austrailian, South African, German, French, Scottish, Irish, Polish, Italian, Russian or Outer Mongolian.

2) No, I do NOT live in London. Contrary to popular belief, England consists of more than just London and a short ring of land just beyond the M25.

3) More geography. Yes, Scotland is attached to England - a little to the North if that's any help. Additionally, whilst the UK is small, it still takes about 24 hours to go from top to bottom - so there are places more than three hours away from each other. Despite this, we don't feel compelled to drive more than six hours for just to go shopping.

3) Yes, we have a Queen in England. No, I have not met her and she doesn't nip round every afternoon for tea and cucumber sandwiches. On top of this, the chances of me meeting Mr and Mrs So-and-so who you bumped into when you visited London are approximately 60 million to 1 against.

4) Despite the fact that we (apparently) all live in cottages with thatched roofs in the UK, we do actually have modern technology and amenities - such as TV, radio, computers, the Internet, cars, planes, and toilets inside the house. Accordingly, please don't regard us as cavemen who have just discovered fire.

5) We only have 5 real TV channels in the UK - and only three of them have commericals. This does not make us lesser people - if anything, it means we have far less crap on. On top of that, this gives us plenty of time to read books (you know them?) and actually learn more about the world beyond our borders.

6) The UK is, in fact, a separate country and not the 51st state of the USA. Thus, we have our own laws, our own currency (You heard me!), our own culture and our own language. On that note, please do not continually correct my English if i refer to cookies as 'biscuits' and chips as 'crisps'. Remember who is speaking the dialect.

7) Please refrain from telling us how much you love our accents if it's going to be followed by demands of talking just so you can coo over how we sound - although if it helps you realise how harsh and whiny you sound, then feel free.

8) Finally, just because we are visiting your country, please don't assume that it means we love absolutely EVERYTHING about your culture, history, food and government. Some of us are here for purely altruistic reasons.

By supplying these simple answers whenever prompted, this will ensure your stay in the US is relatively unhampered by lots of annoying questions. Or may get you beaten up if you stray into the unsavoury parts of most cities.