Fun on the Fourth

How to cause a riot on the 230th Birthday of the USA:

1) Find a party. The larger the better. Preferably, this will be one organised by the city rather than a smaller private party. After all, the more people, the greater the fireworks will be - and we're not just talking about the ones being let off to celebrate Independence Day.

2) Practice talking loudly. This is easier to achieve if you've been residing in the USA for some time - it's a matter of listening to the locals and following their example.

3) Adopt an English accent. Of course, it helps if you actually ARE English as, let's face it, if you're American, your chances of being able to adopt an convincing non-American accent are practically zero. And, besides, today is all about the birth of your country so why would YOU want to cause a riot? Other potential accents that may be useful (but perhaps with less impact as a lot of Americans will mistake you for being from Austrailia or South Africa) are French, German, Dutch, and Portugese.

4) Make lots of remarks about the Crown. Discuss how the UK didn't lose the War of Independence but decided to cut the US loose. Mention how if it wasn't for the French interfering and providing support to the Colonists, the US wouldn't have won. Try calling everyone 'Bloody colonials' and discuss secret plans to annex the US into the Commonwealth. Sing 'God Save The Queen' a lot.

5) Run and hide and watch the fireworks. Have a pre-planned escape route, and be prepared to return to your 'natural' American accent at a moment's notice. After all, you really don't want to get caught in the riot yourself. It also helps if you can identify other English people in the vicinity to point the finger of blame at. Cause passing the buck is something of a US hobby, at least for THIS administration.

6) Finally, begin plotting for next year.

Disclaimer: The above is intended to be humourous, the random thoughts of an Englishman on Independence Day 2006. It is not intended to be used in any way, shape or form to actually incite riots on July 4th. I'm sure some of the confederate-loving rednecks can manage that on their own. Rest assured, the only fireworks i plan on watching today are those that make everyone go 'oooh' and 'aaah'. Honestly!